don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
