Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
