Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
