2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
