well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
