I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
