Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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