just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
