Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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