when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
