His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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