im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
