i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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