Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
