first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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