mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
