She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
