i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think I won the penis lottery.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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