I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
