When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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