My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
