I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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