I hate all girls vehemently.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
