It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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