I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
