Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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