I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
