Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize