nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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