Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
