I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
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You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
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If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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