Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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