So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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