It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
