Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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