I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Randomize
