There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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