I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
3 2 1 whiskey
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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