Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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