I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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