shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
