i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
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we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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