Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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