my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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