not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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