Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
