i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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