Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
