she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I love having hate sex.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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