I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
