the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
