dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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