I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
