My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
