I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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