I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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