I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
