You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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