new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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